Bob and Frank... it’s not just me. The rest of the world hates you too.

A simple guideline for dealing with the Bob-and-Frank species.

Bob and Frank. These two a$$holes must be long-lost brothers of some kind. Same pig snout. Same pig attitude.

Annoying. Perverts. Hazardous to your social status and career. And sanity.

Much worse than Dr. OCD or Mr. Napoleon or even the great Pak Sauk himself. OR all of them combined.

Bob and Frank, if you have the nerve to ask “Why’d you bother lying to us? If you didn’t wanna give us a lift in your car, just say so! Didn’t have to go make up that s#it about your dead aunt’s wedding party...” – I’d just have to say “You know one of the reasons why people lie? To save their own skin. That includes reputation. See, I didn’t wanna look like such an obvious evil b!tch in front of everyone else because I need to maintain my public image. But since you already knew I was lying, and that I am such an evil b!tch, why bother asking the question in the first place, eh?” Get the message, for God’s sake!

And since you already know I must really despise you, want absolutely nothing to do with you, and wish you never existed so the rest of the world can live in peace... I guess I don’t have to pretend to be good in front of you anymore.

But wait! Bob and Frank do not completely realize the extent of my repulsion towards them. Like OMG talk about being oblivious! Delusional is more like it, since they actually believe the world can accept demented retards like them.

The main reason for this is this: that there are too many ‘nice’ people out there. Encouraging them. People who are too ‘kind’ and ‘sympathetic’ to be straightforward and honest with Bob and Frank. People who think that dropping subtle hints will eventually get the message across. Reality check: subtle hints don’t work on retards. They just don’t have the capacity to process such complex social phenomena. You’d literally have to hit them on the head to get them to understand.

No, I found out the hard way that Bob and Frank are two people you have to be completely ‘honest’ with. Never even think of being ‘nice’ to them. They’ll just take it wrongly (and don’t forget: they’re ultimate pervs).

If they ask/hint for a ride in your car, just say “Can’t.” No sorrys. No whys. “Just CAN’T.” Don’t EVER let them touch your car! Because:

1. They’re walking biohazards.


2. Being seen together with either one of them... ewwwwwww. They’ll just feel their stakes/stocks got raised. While yours dwindled. A price I’m sure you’re not willing to pay.


3. They’re ultimate cheapskates. I’m sure they’ve got enough money to pay for a cab. They’ve been earning. Heck, they can even buy their own car! Cheapos.


4. You do it once, and you can’t say no the next time. They’ll just keep taking advantage of you. So don’t give them the chance in the first place.


5. They’ll start spreading stories that you ‘gave them a ride’... ewww.


6. They’ll tell everyone that you have the hots for them! EEWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Better yet, just don’t talk to them. Don’t entertain, give a damn, or even acknowledge their existence. Like you can’t even see or hear them.

Because even if you show your annoyance towards them, they’d actually feel pleasure. (Ewww.) Because you ‘care’. (Ewwwwww.) Because you acknowledge they exist. And that their existence is actually having an impact on your life. Like EWWWW! Disgusting thought.

Yes, completely ignoring is the alternative, if you think being straight up and honest right to their faces telling them to go f*ck off would be too mean. Eventually they should realize “I don’t wanna have anything to do with you. Please go away.”

So that’s that for Bob and Frank. But what about Arthur?

Oh, poor Arthur. The innocent friend torn in between. The gullible type who’s already in too deep in the clutches of Bob and Frank to have the heart to break it off with them. Even though he’s seriously starting to regret ever having to talk to them in the first place.

If you have an Arthur as your friend, do make it a point to tell him: “Dear Arthur, I want you to know that you’re my friend. But when Bob/Frank is around, I’m not gonna hang out with you. It’s not you. It’s him.”

“It’s not that you can’t be friends (ugh) with him. It’s just that... when we go out together, respect me and don’t bring him along. When you go out with him, respect me and don’t bring me along!”

Make sure you completely inform and educate Arthur about your stand in this. In advance. Or he might mess up things. Like invite you over for lunch and you realize (too late) OMG Bob/Frank is there too! Yeah, Arthur is THAT type. Has the tendency to NOT understand until you MAKE him.

So you see, Bob and Frank... it’s not just me. The rest of the world hates you too. They just don’t have the honesty to say it to your faces. (And there again, I end up looking like the only mean bad guy who hates these two retards. Scapegoat me.)

So Bob and Frank... please die. Amen.