The Thick Line Between Vanity And Stupidity

Vanity at The Spring Mall, Kuching.
Correction.
S t u p i d i t y .
Utter idiocy.
The ultimate folly.

Pray that nobody heard you, you ignorant jerk, otherwise you’d have made the biggest fool of yourself.

Oh wait.

I heard.

So I was lunching at The Spring Mall’s food court after a totally fucked up day of being passed around on the phone because government workers have no fucking idea who’s supposed to be doing what and I ended up taking these long trips across the Kuching/Samarahan border for the love of God and...

Sigh... never mind. I’ll leave that for another day. That’s not what this post is about.

So anyway, I had lunch back in Kuching city. The Spring Mall. Food court. Alone in one table. My eye makeup today screamed “Come-within-two-metres-of-my-personal-space-radius-and-I-will-nuke-vapourize-you” so I didn’t mind eating alone.

Then this bunch of dudes (or “apparently male human beings”... I think) took the table next to mine. I didn’t mind. Until this one guy opened his big mouth.

Here’s the dialogue transcript(s) – original Sarawakian-Malay version, with some slang-BM and English translations where applicable... enjoy:


Fagbunch: Bla-bla-bla... [probably talking among themselves]

Me: [not paying attention]

Fagbunch: [brief silence]

Me: [still ignoring them; carefully slicing chicken drumstick; maintaining composure; trying hard not to let the blunt fork fall into anybody’s eyeball by some freakish Final-Destination-style accident]

Fagboy #1: Aku sik paham, koh. Kenak ompuan mesti control gilak.
{slang-BM} Aku tak paham, ler. Kenape pompuan mesti control giler.
{English} I don’t get it, you know. Why girls have to “control”/“act-so-dainty”/be “super-composed” (regarding actions... man this isn’t easy).

Me: [ear-twitch]

Fagboy #1: Masa makan lah. Masa berjalan lah. Coba sidak macam kita owh, sikboh lah control gilak. Rilek jak bah. Sik paham ku.
{slang-BM} Masa makan ler. Masa berjalan ler. Cuba diorang macam kitorang, tak yah control sangat. Rilek je. Tak paham aku.
{English} When they eat. When they walk. Why can’t they be like us, no need to stay all super-composed and sh*t. Loosen up for Pete’s sake. I just don’t get it.

Me: [in my head] Sebab aku Lara Croft, bodo.
{English} Because I’m Lara Croft, you idiot.
(Here “I” represents the entire female species.)

(Lara Croft does not eat like a pig in a pigsty.)

Fagboy #2: Ompuan, besaa laaa.
{slang-BM} Pompuan, biase lerrr.
{English} Girls. The usual.

Me: [still in my head] Fork! I command you to stay in my hand! Spoon, don’t fly!

Fagboy #1: Nang. Tapi ku paling heran nak... sidak kuat control especially bila AKU nangga.
{slang-BM} Memang. Tapi ku paling hairan kan... diorang sangat control especially bila AKU tengok.
{English} Yeah. But you know what baffles me the most... they act super-composed especially when it's ME watching.

Me: [brain screaming inside tormented soul] OH DEAR LORD HAVE MERCY ON THESE POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS LEST I DRIVE THIS BLUNT FORK THROUGH THEIR DICKLESS HEADS NOW AND SPARE THEM FROM THE SUFFERING THAT WILL COME FROM DISCOVERING THE COLD HARD REALITY OF THIS RUTHLESS WORLD!!!

Fagboy #3: K***k perasan juak kau tok!
{slang-BM} #$%@ perasan btol ko nie!
{English} #$%@ get a load of yourself! (Lit.: You’re so vain!)

Fagbunch: [giggle / smirk / snicker]

Oh Dear Lord, they giggle like schoolgirls.

So that’s the summary.

Nope, no accidents.
My fork didn’t fly.
They left the area in one piece, still alive, no haemorrhage whatsoever.

OMG people actually talk like this in public places. When others can hear them!

Lesson of the day:
O intelligent being, have patience ye. God is Kind and Merciful.